Category Archives: Reflections

Cussing & Writing

I just realized that I’m cussing more in my posts.

Now, I cuss like a sailor on a regular basis, LOVE the F word, but it not something I normally spell out.

With all the writing I did in college, it seems to take away from the point you are trying to convey.

But with this attack on our democracy….gggrr

I can’t seem to get away from it.

ONE bright point, when I wanted to do “fking” my iphone auto corrected it to “fuck” instead of going to “duck” LOL

I HATE it when it goes to duck…LOL

That is both funny and sad…funny that my iphone is finally “trained” & sad that I’m pushed to write it out so much….just to try and get some of my frustration out.

Menopause

I’m officially in menopause. I haven’t had a cycle in almost 2 years. But I’m still pissed that when I was going through perimenopause not a single f’king dr diagnosed it. Kept telling me that my hormones were “normal”

Without explaining to me what the f’k the new normal was! My cycles (that were extremely regular) had gone off track, my emotions were going everywhere, I was getting into funks that I’ve never experienced.

I’ve made it my goal when I speak to the younger generation, when we speak of “women issues” that I educated them about it. So they won’t be taken by surprised when it hits them and you feel like you are losing it when you don’t know what the hell is going on.

When it comes to not educating me from people that should know better, like doctors, I hold grudges. Hell, both hubby & I still pissed 25yrs later that I got pregnant a year after having a tubal ligation…..we did everything right not to have kids and that happened.

I don’t think the doctor did it correctly or securely since I was 24 at the time. But you sign a form stating that it is not guaranteed. But we still get mad when we think about it.

Hubby got fixed that fall…..and I went back on the pill for the next 15yrs because I trust nothing after that. Which I was trying to get off of when I went under…..ggrrr

https://www.rawstory.com/in-the-us-menopause-finally-gets-its-due/?fbclid=IwAR0MhA4j8iWiGkHArRcShkJ1ftjCLrP0oR4Y6xDABOy-GPOUQnJmE6J_I8k

Midwest & Red States

Texting with mom other day. Dawned on me that I’ve never fully explained why I can’t stand Indiana and other midwest red states like them. If it wasn’t for family there, I would never return.

I grew up on Army Posts…..I was use to growing up in a multicultural mix. My grade school years, living on APG, MD, being white, I was the minority in our housing and in school. We had Latinos…Cuban, Mexican, Puerto Rican…..we had Asians….Korean, Vietnamese….but mostly I grew up with African-Americans.

Like most military families, you create your own family with the military. My aunts & uncles were black…we were in military life together.

I knew that racism existed, I was reminded it of it when we visited family in Indiana and my grandfather would use the n-word and other horrible terms for anyone not white or christian. Everything that my parents taught me never to use.

But growing up in Maryland, I didn’t feel it that bluntly.  

I always thought it was the innocent of youth, but the more I reflect back on it, it was probably more of my white privilege not to see the racism that was existing…..the existing tensions. Even though my best friends were people of color…..even though rumors of the KKK activity scared us.

Moved to Alaska my middle school years, with a 1-2 months in Indiana in between, as my dad went on ahead to get housing ready for us to join him at Ft Wainwright.  

Not as culturally mixed as Maryland, but still not all white…..you still had a multicultural. I think, for us, it may have been more to do with rank. Housing it divided by rank and dad had become a NCO, a Master Sgt….when he was lower enlisted our housing was more multicultural. Even though I started to feel more of the differences/division between the races, even though my best friend was black.  

She would tell me of horror stories of living in Texas, how she couldn’t cross the tracks to the other side of town because she was black. I had such a hard time comprehending it.

One set of my grandparents had come up to Alaska, it was one of the few states that they hadn’t been to. During that time, for the first time in years, I was exposed to my grandfather’s racism. I loved my grandfather, but hated that about him. I finally wasn’t scare of him (he had a horrible temper and it use to scare me), and he said the n-word one too many times. And I went off on him about it (my best friend had just left, when he used that term), I was so mad. I don’t remember exactly what I said, but let him know in no certain terms that saying that word around me was not acceptable.  

What I really took away from that day, is that my parents backed me up and said that I was not raised to use that word or find it acceptable. I rarely heard that word in my presence from him after that.

Then we ended up in Indiana. I fully understand why we ended there…..even though I didn’t want to be there.  

Both set of grandfathers had strokes, my uncle was dying of AIDs and was going to move back to Indiana so we can take care of him. One set of grandparents were about to lose everything before they can get any help. You do what you have do for family, and with dad retiring from the Army, it is what we were going to do….we were in the best position to help. But I did not want to be in that state.

The 1-2 months of being at that Jr HS between moves from MD to AK convinced me that I didn’t want to be there. It was all white and no orchestra.

It was huge shock to my system when I was 15 when we moved there. I’ve never seen so many white people in my life in one place. And the town was only 20miles south of Gary, where my dad had been born, but it was another world….a very racist world.


Kids in that school used the n-word freely, teachers didn’t do damn thing about it. I learned more racist terms in that school then anywhere else. I never knew there was so many racist terms.  

Some guys in english class, used the n-word more times then I was able to handle and I exploded. The door to the class was open, so down the hall, people heard me tell them that I’ve known more blacks then whites, have gotten stabbed in the back by whites more then blacks, and I’ve meet more n-word people in this class then I ever did living with black people.  

The class was shocked into quiet, the teacher just looked at me and smiled and people learned quickly not use those terms around me unless they wanted to be punched….which I did as hard as I could.

Due to all that, I’ve never felt comfortable being with all whites. I like it where I go shopping that there is a mix of different people….different languages…. Latinos, blacks, muslims….I feel more at home

**The more I think about it, the more I think it is because when with all white groups, there is going to be a few racists who then assume that you believe the same way and feel free to say the most racist shit……ggrrrr

When I went to college, the majority of my history and political science classes were women studies and African-American studies….I had to expand my mind, get away from the narrow mindness that is the midwest.

My folks believe in god, more spiritual…church wasn’t a focus. Dad is a recovering catholic, when I asked him why we weren’t raised catholic (all of my cousins were), he stated because they rule on guilt and control, they don’t celebrate their beliefs.  

Mom used to read the Xmas store on Xmas eve. When visiting our grandparents, I went to lutheran services with one grandmother and catholic services with the other. I would take the “bible bus” that picked up kids in MD to go to church….looking back, I dogged a big bullet…it was pentecostal. 

So I was christian….but not a regular church goer. I would’ve become atheist regardless…..but Indiana pushed me quicker then it would’ve came to me.

Living in Indiana, also taught me, how hateful “christians” are. They couldn’t be good “christians” until they “judge” you and find you lacking. They believed that gays deserved to die of AIDs…..I’ve never meet such a hateful group of people.  


This is the late 80s/90s when AIDs was exploding to the forefront.

They hated people that thought differently, expressed individuality, who dared to be different……a girl/woman who demanded control of their own bodies….who didn’t believe in their bigotry/racism.

With what I dealt with in Indiana…..you can see why I’m still surprised I married a white guy from Indiana…lol  But what really got us together was that we shared same beliefs on racism, sexism and religion

My folks, my not have always understood or agreed with my sister and my decisions, but they have always accepted and loved us. What I was taught that being christian was suppose to be……not what I saw in the midwest.

I know that this just doesn’t exist in the midwest, but when I see the fascist laws they are passing, there is no way I would ever move to a place where I can’t be myself. Living there for 15yrs was more then enough for me.

Life Changes

I’ve been having issues the last few months on lack of motivation, energy, coping, trying to stay out getting into funks…slides into depression.

Things that were never a struggle, now I have to force my through it.  I just don’t seem to have the energy, not even to do the most basic things, I need more sleep.  I just want to shut down and hide from the world.  

I’m not interacting on FB like I use to.  I’m missing it, but at the same time, just don’t feel like getting involved anymore.

Oh, I post articles I’ve read, but I’m not “following” my family and friends like I use to.  

I’m going to try and cut down on the articles….try to stick to posting more personal stuff….because if I’m not interacting, who wants all those articles.

I’m just trying not to slide into a funk. =(

This feels like it has come on so suddenly….I wasn’t feeling this way, this time last year.

There has to be a reason….so I’ve been trying to figure out what the hell has changed.

Well, the only thing I can think is that I’m going through the “change” or menopause.  I haven’t had a cycle since June of last year.  

I use to be very, very regular and a few years ago, that changed and when I got my hormones tested, they keep telling me that I was normal for a woman my age.  But NO one would tell what the hell that means!  

Seriously, doctors don’t tell a woman that….tell her what the fuck that means!  

I’m so f’king annoyed by that….took me a bit to realize that if it was “normal” for a woman my age…that it means it probably has changed…eye roll.

I started researching it….because no one was telling me what it meant.

Some of the crap I’m going through that comes with it:

  • Fatigue
  • Night sweats & Hot Flashes (Had those a lot last summer/fall)
  • Mood swings and irritability.
  • Difficulty sleeping.
  • Cognitive changes (difficulty remembering names, directions, losing focus/train of thought)
  • Weight gain and slowed metabolism

I’m so over this….I just want my energy and thinking back.  

So sorry everyone on not being around as much as I use to, even if was just to like your post.  I loved to keep up on everyone, even if I didn’t comment.  But I seriously just want to hide from the world at this point and anything I do, I have to make myself do.  

I think I got this from mom….lol

Hubby’s BIG 50!

It is hubby’s BIG 50! =)


Got him a few more t-shirts…..? Star Wars action figures & a Funko Batman, picked up his birthday Starbucks =)
Just spending a quiet day at home currently watching the #MichiganWolverines & the #OhioStBuckeyes.


Have #Purdue Basketball later today.


As the years go on, things get both more simpler and more complex in the gift giving. Simpler in that you aren’t wanting much, complex in that you don’t know what you want anymore, since you usually just get what you want when you want it.


So I was happy that I was able to think of a few things that he would like to have =)

From 2yrs ago…..

After hubby opened the t-shirts I got him.

Me: Now I know why Mom gets Dad t-shirts all the time (as I watch him put on a Batman one & thinking of the last pic of Dad with his torn up t-shirt)

Hubby (chuckles): It becomes even more clear as the years goes on

???#GettingOld#MarriedLife