Category Archives: Family Stuff

Empty Future

This has not been a good week.

My sister/best friend of 36yrs was diagnosed with stage four lung cancer in Dec ’23. She had been a smoker, but genetically she was going to get cancer regardless it was just a question of where. Her family has a very high cancer rate that most of the women have to start getting mammograms by 20.

She has a very aggressive cancer, we all knew that we are going to lose her to, the question was when. I was hoping for at least 5 years.

They had put her on a very, very aggressive chemo treatment. They told her it may only work for 10 more months…..well, we are past those extra 10 months.

She was to have chemo this last Wednesday, the 18th, but she didn’t think she was going to get it after they were going to see the doctor.

Unfortunately, she was right.

Doctor stated at this point chemo will just make her remaining days worst and will reduce the amount of days she has left. Stated that even if they wanted the chemo, it would be ethically challenging for him. He recommended to focus on treating the effects and hospice.

I’m trying to arrange to get out to Michigan to see her. If I can only make one trip this year, I’d rather miss any service and see her when she is still with us.

I’ve sent her dates from Apr – Jun to choose from. She has a lot of family in Indiana that are going to be heading up to see her. But I really want sooner than later. With no more chemo and the aggressiveness of the cancer…….I don’t see her being able to get through the year. Which I really hope I’m wrong about.

Now the end is so much closer than I ever expected it to be. I have no idea on how I’m going to get through this and to keep the focus all on her where it belongs.

I can talk about things in the “abstract”, but once I start seeing my future without her….I’m not so good. I just can’t accept it in my heart without it drowning me.

I know I’ve been very lucky, in that I still have my parents…..my immediate family. Lost my grandparents over 20yrs ago, and that was hell. But this…..

I don’t understand how my husband has handled losing his brother/best friend in ’09 to brain cancer. That lost still hurts me, must be 100 times worst on my husband.

I really do not know how to describe where she fits in my life, my families life.

Best friend is so high school and doesn’t really convey that she is much more than that. Sister…..she feels closer than that label. The only one that comes close, even if it doesn’t sound close, is life partner.

She is greatly loved on my side of the family. Mom & dad had headed up to Michigan shortly after she was diagnosed.

If her hubby didn’t have a good job that took care of them, we really wanted to them to move to mom & dad’s so they could inherit the house. Just an example of how much part of our family she is.

Words are really lacking in giving a full and correct picture of what she is in our lives. I really, really don’t want to lose her.

I told her that she is ruining my plans. I figured we would out live our husbands and start traveling together.

At this point, I’m just rambling as my thoughts try not to dwell on the on the reason of this post.

Now, I have to stay strong for her, and figure out how to go on without her…….it looks so empty, not having her at my back…..

Midwest & Red States

Texting with mom other day. Dawned on me that I’ve never fully explained why I can’t stand Indiana and other midwest red states like them. If it wasn’t for family there, I would never return.

I grew up on Army Posts…..I was use to growing up in a multicultural mix. My grade school years, living on APG, MD, being white, I was the minority in our housing and in school. We had Latinos…Cuban, Mexican, Puerto Rican…..we had Asians….Korean, Vietnamese….but mostly I grew up with African-Americans.

Like most military families, you create your own family with the military. My aunts & uncles were black…we were in military life together.

I knew that racism existed, I was reminded it of it when we visited family in Indiana and my grandfather would use the n-word and other horrible terms for anyone not white or christian. Everything that my parents taught me never to use.

But growing up in Maryland, I didn’t feel it that bluntly.  

I always thought it was the innocent of youth, but the more I reflect back on it, it was probably more of my white privilege not to see the racism that was existing…..the existing tensions. Even though my best friends were people of color…..even though rumors of the KKK activity scared us.

Moved to Alaska my middle school years, with a 1-2 months in Indiana in between, as my dad went on ahead to get housing ready for us to join him at Ft Wainwright.  

Not as culturally mixed as Maryland, but still not all white…..you still had a multicultural. I think, for us, it may have been more to do with rank. Housing it divided by rank and dad had become a NCO, a Master Sgt….when he was lower enlisted our housing was more multicultural. Even though I started to feel more of the differences/division between the races, even though my best friend was black.  

She would tell me of horror stories of living in Texas, how she couldn’t cross the tracks to the other side of town because she was black. I had such a hard time comprehending it.

One set of my grandparents had come up to Alaska, it was one of the few states that they hadn’t been to. During that time, for the first time in years, I was exposed to my grandfather’s racism. I loved my grandfather, but hated that about him. I finally wasn’t scare of him (he had a horrible temper and it use to scare me), and he said the n-word one too many times. And I went off on him about it (my best friend had just left, when he used that term), I was so mad. I don’t remember exactly what I said, but let him know in no certain terms that saying that word around me was not acceptable.  

What I really took away from that day, is that my parents backed me up and said that I was not raised to use that word or find it acceptable. I rarely heard that word in my presence from him after that.

Then we ended up in Indiana. I fully understand why we ended there…..even though I didn’t want to be there.  

Both set of grandfathers had strokes, my uncle was dying of AIDs and was going to move back to Indiana so we can take care of him. One set of grandparents were about to lose everything before they can get any help. You do what you have do for family, and with dad retiring from the Army, it is what we were going to do….we were in the best position to help. But I did not want to be in that state.

The 1-2 months of being at that Jr HS between moves from MD to AK convinced me that I didn’t want to be there. It was all white and no orchestra.

It was huge shock to my system when I was 15 when we moved there. I’ve never seen so many white people in my life in one place. And the town was only 20miles south of Gary, where my dad had been born, but it was another world….a very racist world.


Kids in that school used the n-word freely, teachers didn’t do damn thing about it. I learned more racist terms in that school then anywhere else. I never knew there was so many racist terms.  

Some guys in english class, used the n-word more times then I was able to handle and I exploded. The door to the class was open, so down the hall, people heard me tell them that I’ve known more blacks then whites, have gotten stabbed in the back by whites more then blacks, and I’ve meet more n-word people in this class then I ever did living with black people.  

The class was shocked into quiet, the teacher just looked at me and smiled and people learned quickly not use those terms around me unless they wanted to be punched….which I did as hard as I could.

Due to all that, I’ve never felt comfortable being with all whites. I like it where I go shopping that there is a mix of different people….different languages…. Latinos, blacks, muslims….I feel more at home

**The more I think about it, the more I think it is because when with all white groups, there is going to be a few racists who then assume that you believe the same way and feel free to say the most racist shit……ggrrrr

When I went to college, the majority of my history and political science classes were women studies and African-American studies….I had to expand my mind, get away from the narrow mindness that is the midwest.

My folks believe in god, more spiritual…church wasn’t a focus. Dad is a recovering catholic, when I asked him why we weren’t raised catholic (all of my cousins were), he stated because they rule on guilt and control, they don’t celebrate their beliefs.  

Mom used to read the Xmas store on Xmas eve. When visiting our grandparents, I went to lutheran services with one grandmother and catholic services with the other. I would take the “bible bus” that picked up kids in MD to go to church….looking back, I dogged a big bullet…it was pentecostal. 

So I was christian….but not a regular church goer. I would’ve become atheist regardless…..but Indiana pushed me quicker then it would’ve came to me.

Living in Indiana, also taught me, how hateful “christians” are. They couldn’t be good “christians” until they “judge” you and find you lacking. They believed that gays deserved to die of AIDs…..I’ve never meet such a hateful group of people.  


This is the late 80s/90s when AIDs was exploding to the forefront.

They hated people that thought differently, expressed individuality, who dared to be different……a girl/woman who demanded control of their own bodies….who didn’t believe in their bigotry/racism.

With what I dealt with in Indiana…..you can see why I’m still surprised I married a white guy from Indiana…lol  But what really got us together was that we shared same beliefs on racism, sexism and religion

My folks, my not have always understood or agreed with my sister and my decisions, but they have always accepted and loved us. What I was taught that being christian was suppose to be……not what I saw in the midwest.

I know that this just doesn’t exist in the midwest, but when I see the fascist laws they are passing, there is no way I would ever move to a place where I can’t be myself. Living there for 15yrs was more then enough for me.

48th Birthday

Thank you everyone for the birthday wishes!!

I love and appreciate them more then you know!

Since I went to the gym yesterday, I skipped it and spent it doing things around the house with hubby.

After I opened all my little gifts from hubby, I took down the tree.  It was going to be the only day I had before the new year and I never have my tree up twice in one year.

I took more time putting my ornaments away then when I put them up, but when I put them up it was a spur of a moment thing.  It felt good through them, I haven’t really gone through them since 2012, the last time we had a big tree.

I need to get 4 of our cat ornaments engraved with their final year  =(  Need to get ones for Anastasia and Gimil 

Where the tree was, put up a new shelving unit and we did some rearranging. Freed up space, feels nice….after 3 years finally looks like we are “living” here…lol

I went and picked up gyros….so tasty.  =)

We actually got some snow today….doesn’t seem to be lasting.  But the concern we have around here is that we are suppose to be getting into some freezing temps over the next few days and that makes the roads scary.

It was a good both relaxing and productive birthday  =)

Now I need to get things ready for work tomorrow.

Xmas Eve 2018

**This was a post I did 24 Dec 2018 on FB. I like some of the Xmas memories it had.

Feels much later then it is. We both have that “tickle” in our throats that tells us that something icky is trying to get a hold of us. Going to be a nyquil kind of night.

Not celebrating the holidays these year. Way too much going on, plus we already got our presents…..couch, coffee table and my bday present has been getting highend makeup on really great sales….lol

Missing my family something terrible. If that was the one thing I could change, that would be it….get my family out here. No, I do not want to go back to the midwest…..I just want my family out here with me. ?

That is the only thing that I really, really miss from Indiana….family. Everything else, I can easily do without.

But this time of year, makes me miss my family even more. It was the one or two days of the year that my sister and I didn’t fight…..we actually got sneaky together trying to peak at presents….LOL

And the best times I remember have nothing to do with what we got, it was the time spent together. Heck, the stockings were sometimes the most fun with all the change, candy and little things that were in it.

I remember how much money we didn’t have when living in Germany….didn’t stop mom & dad from making it special.

Making refrigerated cookies with mom from the Betty Crocker cook book. Dying them red or green.

Loved how we would go driving around to the nicer neighborhoods and look at all the nights. Germans really knew how to decorate for the holiday. It seemed magically.

Which is why I spent years before the internet to find me the tree topper I wanted that was based off the ones I grew up on in Germany. (Army movers broke them all….eye roll) Blown glass with 2-3 bulbs in it. I now have one, it is burgundy.

Mom reading us the Xmas story every Xmas eve, just before we headed up to bed and just after we put the milk and cookies out.

My first Xmas eve in my apartment at Purdue, mom did it over the phone ?

Remember all the practicing in orchestra for the holiday concerts. Mr Olsen at Tanana Jr HS & while at Lathrop HS would have us practicing so much and then we would go the malls in Fairbanks and do holiday concerts on the weekend. He always had us doing more then just the school performances. ?

This year with everything, I didn’t even put up a tree….only the 2nd yr in my life I’ve been without one.

Next year, I’ll get my 5 big boxes of tree decoration out storage and have my tree. Just hope we are in a bigger place, storage wise…those are big boxes…lol

It’ll take me 3-5hrs to get it all up…..but I’ll have my tree. ?

This year, just going to put the ham in, make some sides and chill with my hubby on our new couch.Have a great holiday everyone!

Enjoy the time spent with family and loved ones.

Hubby’s BIG 50!

It is hubby’s BIG 50! =)


Got him a few more t-shirts…..? Star Wars action figures & a Funko Batman, picked up his birthday Starbucks =)
Just spending a quiet day at home currently watching the #MichiganWolverines & the #OhioStBuckeyes.


Have #Purdue Basketball later today.


As the years go on, things get both more simpler and more complex in the gift giving. Simpler in that you aren’t wanting much, complex in that you don’t know what you want anymore, since you usually just get what you want when you want it.


So I was happy that I was able to think of a few things that he would like to have =)

From 2yrs ago…..

After hubby opened the t-shirts I got him.

Me: Now I know why Mom gets Dad t-shirts all the time (as I watch him put on a Batman one & thinking of the last pic of Dad with his torn up t-shirt)

Hubby (chuckles): It becomes even more clear as the years goes on

???#GettingOld#MarriedLife