Category Archives: Daily Thought

Midwest & Red States

Texting with mom other day. Dawned on me that I’ve never fully explained why I can’t stand Indiana and other midwest red states like them. If it wasn’t for family there, I would never return.

I grew up on Army Posts…..I was use to growing up in a multicultural mix. My grade school years, living on APG, MD, being white, I was the minority in our housing and in school. We had Latinos…Cuban, Mexican, Puerto Rican…..we had Asians….Korean, Vietnamese….but mostly I grew up with African-Americans.

Like most military families, you create your own family with the military. My aunts & uncles were black…we were in military life together.

I knew that racism existed, I was reminded it of it when we visited family in Indiana and my grandfather would use the n-word and other horrible terms for anyone not white or christian. Everything that my parents taught me never to use.

But growing up in Maryland, I didn’t feel it that bluntly.  

I always thought it was the innocent of youth, but the more I reflect back on it, it was probably more of my white privilege not to see the racism that was existing…..the existing tensions. Even though my best friends were people of color…..even though rumors of the KKK activity scared us.

Moved to Alaska my middle school years, with a 1-2 months in Indiana in between, as my dad went on ahead to get housing ready for us to join him at Ft Wainwright.  

Not as culturally mixed as Maryland, but still not all white…..you still had a multicultural. I think, for us, it may have been more to do with rank. Housing it divided by rank and dad had become a NCO, a Master Sgt….when he was lower enlisted our housing was more multicultural. Even though I started to feel more of the differences/division between the races, even though my best friend was black.  

She would tell me of horror stories of living in Texas, how she couldn’t cross the tracks to the other side of town because she was black. I had such a hard time comprehending it.

One set of my grandparents had come up to Alaska, it was one of the few states that they hadn’t been to. During that time, for the first time in years, I was exposed to my grandfather’s racism. I loved my grandfather, but hated that about him. I finally wasn’t scare of him (he had a horrible temper and it use to scare me), and he said the n-word one too many times. And I went off on him about it (my best friend had just left, when he used that term), I was so mad. I don’t remember exactly what I said, but let him know in no certain terms that saying that word around me was not acceptable.  

What I really took away from that day, is that my parents backed me up and said that I was not raised to use that word or find it acceptable. I rarely heard that word in my presence from him after that.

Then we ended up in Indiana. I fully understand why we ended there…..even though I didn’t want to be there.  

Both set of grandfathers had strokes, my uncle was dying of AIDs and was going to move back to Indiana so we can take care of him. One set of grandparents were about to lose everything before they can get any help. You do what you have do for family, and with dad retiring from the Army, it is what we were going to do….we were in the best position to help. But I did not want to be in that state.

The 1-2 months of being at that Jr HS between moves from MD to AK convinced me that I didn’t want to be there. It was all white and no orchestra.

It was huge shock to my system when I was 15 when we moved there. I’ve never seen so many white people in my life in one place. And the town was only 20miles south of Gary, where my dad had been born, but it was another world….a very racist world.


Kids in that school used the n-word freely, teachers didn’t do damn thing about it. I learned more racist terms in that school then anywhere else. I never knew there was so many racist terms.  

Some guys in english class, used the n-word more times then I was able to handle and I exploded. The door to the class was open, so down the hall, people heard me tell them that I’ve known more blacks then whites, have gotten stabbed in the back by whites more then blacks, and I’ve meet more n-word people in this class then I ever did living with black people.  

The class was shocked into quiet, the teacher just looked at me and smiled and people learned quickly not use those terms around me unless they wanted to be punched….which I did as hard as I could.

Due to all that, I’ve never felt comfortable being with all whites. I like it where I go shopping that there is a mix of different people….different languages…. Latinos, blacks, muslims….I feel more at home

**The more I think about it, the more I think it is because when with all white groups, there is going to be a few racists who then assume that you believe the same way and feel free to say the most racist shit……ggrrrr

When I went to college, the majority of my history and political science classes were women studies and African-American studies….I had to expand my mind, get away from the narrow mindness that is the midwest.

My folks believe in god, more spiritual…church wasn’t a focus. Dad is a recovering catholic, when I asked him why we weren’t raised catholic (all of my cousins were), he stated because they rule on guilt and control, they don’t celebrate their beliefs.  

Mom used to read the Xmas store on Xmas eve. When visiting our grandparents, I went to lutheran services with one grandmother and catholic services with the other. I would take the “bible bus” that picked up kids in MD to go to church….looking back, I dogged a big bullet…it was pentecostal. 

So I was christian….but not a regular church goer. I would’ve become atheist regardless…..but Indiana pushed me quicker then it would’ve came to me.

Living in Indiana, also taught me, how hateful “christians” are. They couldn’t be good “christians” until they “judge” you and find you lacking. They believed that gays deserved to die of AIDs…..I’ve never meet such a hateful group of people.  


This is the late 80s/90s when AIDs was exploding to the forefront.

They hated people that thought differently, expressed individuality, who dared to be different……a girl/woman who demanded control of their own bodies….who didn’t believe in their bigotry/racism.

With what I dealt with in Indiana…..you can see why I’m still surprised I married a white guy from Indiana…lol  But what really got us together was that we shared same beliefs on racism, sexism and religion

My folks, my not have always understood or agreed with my sister and my decisions, but they have always accepted and loved us. What I was taught that being christian was suppose to be……not what I saw in the midwest.

I know that this just doesn’t exist in the midwest, but when I see the fascist laws they are passing, there is no way I would ever move to a place where I can’t be myself. Living there for 15yrs was more then enough for me.

Xmas Eve 2018

**This was a post I did 24 Dec 2018 on FB. I like some of the Xmas memories it had.

Feels much later then it is. We both have that “tickle” in our throats that tells us that something icky is trying to get a hold of us. Going to be a nyquil kind of night.

Not celebrating the holidays these year. Way too much going on, plus we already got our presents…..couch, coffee table and my bday present has been getting highend makeup on really great sales….lol

Missing my family something terrible. If that was the one thing I could change, that would be it….get my family out here. No, I do not want to go back to the midwest…..I just want my family out here with me. ?

That is the only thing that I really, really miss from Indiana….family. Everything else, I can easily do without.

But this time of year, makes me miss my family even more. It was the one or two days of the year that my sister and I didn’t fight…..we actually got sneaky together trying to peak at presents….LOL

And the best times I remember have nothing to do with what we got, it was the time spent together. Heck, the stockings were sometimes the most fun with all the change, candy and little things that were in it.

I remember how much money we didn’t have when living in Germany….didn’t stop mom & dad from making it special.

Making refrigerated cookies with mom from the Betty Crocker cook book. Dying them red or green.

Loved how we would go driving around to the nicer neighborhoods and look at all the nights. Germans really knew how to decorate for the holiday. It seemed magically.

Which is why I spent years before the internet to find me the tree topper I wanted that was based off the ones I grew up on in Germany. (Army movers broke them all….eye roll) Blown glass with 2-3 bulbs in it. I now have one, it is burgundy.

Mom reading us the Xmas story every Xmas eve, just before we headed up to bed and just after we put the milk and cookies out.

My first Xmas eve in my apartment at Purdue, mom did it over the phone ?

Remember all the practicing in orchestra for the holiday concerts. Mr Olsen at Tanana Jr HS & while at Lathrop HS would have us practicing so much and then we would go the malls in Fairbanks and do holiday concerts on the weekend. He always had us doing more then just the school performances. ?

This year with everything, I didn’t even put up a tree….only the 2nd yr in my life I’ve been without one.

Next year, I’ll get my 5 big boxes of tree decoration out storage and have my tree. Just hope we are in a bigger place, storage wise…those are big boxes…lol

It’ll take me 3-5hrs to get it all up…..but I’ll have my tree. ?

This year, just going to put the ham in, make some sides and chill with my hubby on our new couch.Have a great holiday everyone!

Enjoy the time spent with family and loved ones.

Vacation’s End

Uuuggghhhh……this week has gone by way too fast.

I really don’t want it to be over with and back to work Monday…..it is too soon….I still have so much I want to get done, while having a few more chilled out days.

I did get a lot done, nearly all of what I wanted to get done. There is only a few more things I would like to get done. It felt good to get a good portion accomplished. ?

Even when my 2 days are off together, there isn’t enough time, because I want one day not do a damn thing, then a day to get stuff done around the house….but that day is usually getting ready for the next week. Making the lunches, getting clothes ready and all that…..puts a killer on things.

I’ve throughly enjoyed being back at the gym, even though it is going to be a while before I’m back up to what I was doing before it closed. I got 6 days in this week……forced myself to take a day off since my calves were still sore. Wanted to push through, but worried about doing more damage. Damn, do I love seeing the calories burned…grin

I’m just not ready to try and figure out what to have for next week’s work lunches and then spend Sunday getting them together….uugghhh

I wish I had been able to head out to Indiana to visit family, but on the other hand glad I stayed home to spend time with Drew. I am actually surprised that Drew is still eating, purring and demanding. I really did not expect him to, but he is still walking like normal, just laying down a lot more.

Like I was telling ToRn the other day, on one hand I’m glad that Drew is still with us and do not want to let him go, but on the other hand I keep looking for signs that it is time because I don’t want him to suffer, but don’t want to have to make the decision. We both would like to come home and found that Drew to have made the decision for us.

We would never give up having cats, but we hate it when we have to make the decision to let them go to the rainbow bridge.

I did have some chill out time today, which was very nice.

I also played around with the scanner and scanned some old pictures and uploaded them to one of my FB albums. That was pretty cool. I was having some major flashbacks…lol

I want to do some pictures from my grandparents album of my parents wedding and their first couple of years. That would be cool ?

After almost 3yrs at this apartment, I have us the best prepared to deal with this years heat. Two ACs and a few more fans all set up.

I won’t hide that I’m concerned about this summer, with the drought we are having here in Oregon. We are currently getting some rain now, but no where near enough and after last year’s fires, I’m a little concerned.

I did go through our fire safes that we would take with us for evacuation, but we need to get prepared. I’ll look up the tips from the state and work on some of that next weekend.

I did treat myself this week, got my hair colored to bright copper red and had my first pedicure in about 9yrs. That was relaxing as hell. ?

Need to get up early tomorrow, get back into part of my morning routine. Need to get our fresh veggies & fruits for the week, fill up the Jeep and get lunches done after the gym.

This week is going to be different, been a few weeks since I did exercise before work…..need to get my timing down so I’m not late….lol I’ve been sleeping in until 0335, for the 3 days of gym before, I’ll be getting up by 0215….means no more staying up until 2000……lol

And on that note, I need to get to bed

2nd Covid Shot & Life Changes

Very pleased to announce that we got our 2nd Covid 19 shot. We got it this past Friday. It is one stress off of our minds.

We’ll probably have to get boosters in the future, but very pleased to get the vaccine taken care of.

Friday when I went for my walk, I didn’t feel any issues with my leg. So I actually was able to do some of my normal occasional jog sprints in the first 2 miles. Spent the next 3 miles hike around and exploring some of the trails.

So I ended that round of exercise feeling better good. Didn’t work out that well the next day ? I was sore all day, I did get a walk in, without the occasional job sprint. Today, wasn’t feeling any of pain, but didn’t push it too much.

I just want to get over the shin splints and focus on getting my jogging sprints in. To keep myself from over doing it, I started to surf/read as I walk. When I started back on my walks, I made a point to not to do that and to focus on my time/pace.

I really just want to the gym to open up, then I would get back to working out before work and I would feel much better about myself, exercise wise.

Today I called mom on my walk to wish her Happy Mother’s Day and ended up face timing. With dad asking where is bigfoot…lol

I really do miss my folks ?

The closing of my department has not gone smoothly at all. I know that they have been doing this back east for few years, using a call center, but there really was no roll plan on who was responsible for what. The duties of my department are to be broken down to other departments, that are currently overwhelmed and understaffed….but none of what told what went to who.

Due to all the issues in our market, I’m still in my office and starting this week, we are having conference calls to both give us guidance and bring up our concerns and issues. that the call center is having.

The new call center is so new, that I’ve spent time training them when they call the store.

I’m hoping with the new guidance that we can start shifting. The market manager of our department wants to convince them to keep a coordinator for the now “closed” department. I have a sales specialist that wants me to be their partner on bringing in the sales and pushing our store to the next level.

During at all this, I’ve had more then one person say that they don’t know how things would get done without me.

I may be losing my mind and stressing out with so much to do, but at least I feel that some folks know what I do and appreciate it. That feels good.

Stressful Week

It has been a very stressful week.

When I just think about it, it totally stresses me out.

I have one set of managers telling me one thing and another telling me something else. And I really do NOT want to be under one ASM.  Do not trust them.

I think that part of it is that over the last few years that I’ve seen the demands that have been added to the department managers without any tools to help.  And I feel as that I’m being set up to fail.

If we could have afford it, I would have just stepped down to a CSA….less crap to deal with.

Then when I ask how am I going to learn my new position when they keep coming to me for my old one?  I was told to “walk away’.  How the hell do I walk away from something that I’ve been responsible for 5yrs now?  When I actually take ownership and give a damn?

Now that is just work.

ToRn hurt his back/side muscle. There was a huge pop the Tuesday night and we thought his rib was broken.

He went to urgent care Wed…..no broken rib, may have torn the muscle.  He is fine until he sneezes, coughs, blows his nose or anything that.  It puts him into extreme pain.

End up with 3 days off from work and then his weekend off.  Back to work, carefully Monday.

He is taking it better then me…..lol

I still can’t do any jogging on my walks….shins hurt….it is annoying as hell….feels like I’m not getting much exercise in at all.  I even took last week off, well the 2 days I was going to do my walk before work.  I’ve been too stressed and needed to get some sleep.  

Actually, the more I think about it, the more it has to do with the fact that I do not have a gym and it stresses me out.  I need the gym for what works for me.

Oh yeah sleep….what the hell is that?  I’m have hot flashes left and right and they suck!  One minute I’m chilled, the next I’m so hot I’m about to have a panic attack.  I have my annual doctor’s exam at the end of May, so I’ll ask her about it.

Online it states that stress makes it worst…..oh yeah, like getting rid of that is going to happen. And losing weight it helps….maybe if I had a f’ing gym!

Doesn’t help that the loss of our baby girl Sakura hits me out of the blue.  It seemed to happen so fast, so out of no where.  I’m second guessing everything we did, even though it was the right thing.  I feel so guilty as if I had let her down.  

I just really miss her furry face, the way she was so possessive and demanding of ToRn.

It has always been rough as hell when we lost one of our babies, but hers is really hurting more.

This weekend, I’m just trying to chill out and fight the urge to hide and fight this depression that wants to take over.