Author Archives: Pauline

Cussing & Writing

I just realized that I’m cussing more in my posts.

Now, I cuss like a sailor on a regular basis, LOVE the F word, but it not something I normally spell out.

With all the writing I did in college, it seems to take away from the point you are trying to convey.

But with this attack on our democracy….gggrr

I can’t seem to get away from it.

ONE bright point, when I wanted to do “fking” my iphone auto corrected it to “fuck” instead of going to “duck” LOL

I HATE it when it goes to duck…LOL

That is both funny and sad…funny that my iphone is finally “trained” & sad that I’m pushed to write it out so much….just to try and get some of my frustration out.

Empty Future

This has not been a good week.

My sister/best friend of 36yrs was diagnosed with stage four lung cancer in Dec ’23. She had been a smoker, but genetically she was going to get cancer regardless it was just a question of where. Her family has a very high cancer rate that most of the women have to start getting mammograms by 20.

She has a very aggressive cancer, we all knew that we are going to lose her to, the question was when. I was hoping for at least 5 years.

They had put her on a very, very aggressive chemo treatment. They told her it may only work for 10 more months…..well, we are past those extra 10 months.

She was to have chemo this last Wednesday, the 18th, but she didn’t think she was going to get it after they were going to see the doctor.

Unfortunately, she was right.

Doctor stated at this point chemo will just make her remaining days worst and will reduce the amount of days she has left. Stated that even if they wanted the chemo, it would be ethically challenging for him. He recommended to focus on treating the effects and hospice.

I’m trying to arrange to get out to Michigan to see her. If I can only make one trip this year, I’d rather miss any service and see her when she is still with us.

I’ve sent her dates from Apr – Jun to choose from. She has a lot of family in Indiana that are going to be heading up to see her. But I really want sooner than later. With no more chemo and the aggressiveness of the cancer…….I don’t see her being able to get through the year. Which I really hope I’m wrong about.

Now the end is so much closer than I ever expected it to be. I have no idea on how I’m going to get through this and to keep the focus all on her where it belongs.

I can talk about things in the “abstract”, but once I start seeing my future without her….I’m not so good. I just can’t accept it in my heart without it drowning me.

I know I’ve been very lucky, in that I still have my parents…..my immediate family. Lost my grandparents over 20yrs ago, and that was hell. But this…..

I don’t understand how my husband has handled losing his brother/best friend in ’09 to brain cancer. That lost still hurts me, must be 100 times worst on my husband.

I really do not know how to describe where she fits in my life, my families life.

Best friend is so high school and doesn’t really convey that she is much more than that. Sister…..she feels closer than that label. The only one that comes close, even if it doesn’t sound close, is life partner.

She is greatly loved on my side of the family. Mom & dad had headed up to Michigan shortly after she was diagnosed.

If her hubby didn’t have a good job that took care of them, we really wanted to them to move to mom & dad’s so they could inherit the house. Just an example of how much part of our family she is.

Words are really lacking in giving a full and correct picture of what she is in our lives. I really, really don’t want to lose her.

I told her that she is ruining my plans. I figured we would out live our husbands and start traveling together.

At this point, I’m just rambling as my thoughts try not to dwell on the on the reason of this post.

Now, I have to stay strong for her, and figure out how to go on without her…….it looks so empty, not having her at my back…..

Growing Up Thoughts

Texting with mom other day. Dawned on me that I’ve never fully explained why I can’t stand Indiana and other midwest red states like them. If it wasn’t for family there, I would never return.

I grew up on Army Posts…..I was use to growing up in a multicultural mix. My grade school years, living on APG, MD, being white, I was the minority in our housing and in school. We had Latinos…Cuban, Mexican, Puerto Rican…..we had Asians….Korean, Vietnamese….but mostly I grew up with African-Americans.

Like most military families, you create your own family with the military. My aunts & uncles were black…we were in military life together.

I knew that racism existed, I was reminded it of it when we visited family in Indiana and my grandfather would use the n-word and other horrible terms for anyone not white or christian. Everything that my parents taught me never to use.

But growing up in Maryland, I didn’t feel it that bluntly.  

I always thought it was the innocent of youth, but the more I reflect back on it, it was probably more of my white privilege not to see the racism that was existing…..the existing tensions. Even though my best friends were people of color…..even though rumors of the KKK activity scared us.

Moved to Alaska my middle school years, with a 1-2 months in Indiana in between, as my dad went on ahead to get housing ready for us to join him at Ft Wainwright.  

Not as culturally mixed as Maryland, but still not all white…..you still had a multicultural. I think, for us, it may have been more to do with rank. Housing it divided by rank and dad had become a NCO, a Master Sgt….when he was lower enlisted our housing was more multicultural. Even though I started to feel more of the differences/division between the races, even though my best friend was black.  

She would tell me of horror stories of living in Texas, how she couldn’t cross the tracks to the other side of town because she was black. I had such a hard time comprehending it.

One set of my grandparents had come up to Alaska, it was one of the few states that they hadn’t been to. During that time, for the first time in years, I was exposed to my grandfather’s racism. I loved my grandfather, but hated that about him. I finally wasn’t scare of him (he had a horrible temper and it use to scare me), and he said the n-word one too many times. And I went off on him about it (my best friend had just left, when he used that term), I was so mad. I don’t remember exactly what I said, but let him know in no certain terms that saying that word around me was not acceptable.  

What I really took away from that day, is that my parents backed me up and said that I was not raised to use that word or find it acceptable. I rarely heard that word in my presence from him after that.

Then we ended up in Indiana. I fully understand why we ended there…..even though I didn’t want to be there.  

Both set of grandfathers had strokes, my uncle was dying of AIDs and was going to move back to Indiana so we can take care of him. One set of grandparents were about to lose everything before they can get any help. You do what you have do for family, and with dad retiring from the Army, it is what we were going to do….we were in the best position to help. But I did not want to be in that state.

The 1-2 months of being at that Jr HS between moves from MD to AK convinced me that I didn’t want to be there. It was all white and no orchestra.

It was huge shock to my system when I was 15 when we moved there. I’ve never seen so many white people in my life in one place. And the town was only 20miles south of Gary, where my dad had been born, but it was another world….a very racist world.

Kids in that school used the n-word freely, teachers didn’t do damn thing about it. I learned more racist terms in that school then anywhere else. I never knew there was so many racist terms.  

Some guys in english class, used the n-word more times then I was able to handle and I exploded. The door to the class was open, so down the hall, people heard me tell them that I’ve known more blacks then whites, have gotten stabbed in the back by whites more then blacks, and I’ve meet more n-word people in this class then I ever did living with black people.  

The class was shocked into quiet, the teacher just looked at me and smiled and people learned quickly not use those terms around me unless they wanted to be punched….which I did as hard as I could.

Due to all that, I’ve never felt comfortable being with all whites. I like it where I go shopping that there is a mix of different people….different languages…. Latinos, blacks, muslims….I feel more at home

**The more I think about it, the more I think it is because when with all white groups, there is going to be a few racists who then assume that you believe the same way and feel free to say the most racist shit……ggrrrr

When I went to college, the majority of my history and political science classes were women studies and African-American studies….I had to expand my mind, get away from the narrow mindness that is the midwest.

My folks believe in god, more spiritual…church wasn’t a focus. Dad is a recovering catholic, when I asked him why we weren’t raised catholic (all of my cousins were), he stated because they rule on guilt and control, they don’t celebrate their beliefs.  

Mom used to read the Xmas store on Xmas eve. When visiting our grandparents, I went to lutheran services with one grandmother and catholic services with the other. I would take the “bible bus” that picked up kids in MD to go to church….looking back, I dogged a big bullet…it was pentecostal. 

So I was christian….but not a regular church goer. I would’ve become atheist regardless…..but Indiana pushed me quicker then it would’ve came to me.

Living in Indiana, also taught me, how hateful “christians” are. They couldn’t be good “christians” until they “judge” you and find you lacking. They believed that gays deserved to die of AIDs…..I’ve never meet such a hateful group of people.  

This is the late 80s/90s when AIDs was exploding to the forefront.

They hated people that thought differently, expressed individuality, who dared to be different……a girl/woman who demanded control of their own bodies….who didn’t believe in their bigotry/racism.

With what I dealt with in Indiana…..you can see why I’m still surprised I married a white guy from Indiana…lol  But what really got us together was that we shared same beliefs on racism, sexism and religion

My folks, my not have always understood or agreed with my sister and my decisions, but they have always accepted and loved us. What I was taught that being christian was suppose to be……not what I saw in the midwest.

I know that this just doesn’t exist in the midwest, but when I see the fascist laws they are passing, there is no way I would ever move to a place where I can’t be myself. Living there for 15yrs was more then enough for me.

Menopause

I’m officially in menopause. I haven’t had a cycle in almost 2 years. But I’m still pissed that when I was going through perimenopause not a single f’king dr diagnosed it. Kept telling me that my hormones were “normal”

Without explaining to me what the f’k the new normal was! My cycles (that were extremely regular) had gone off track, my emotions were going everywhere, I was getting into funks that I’ve never experienced.

I’ve made it my goal when I speak to the younger generation, when we speak of “women issues” that I educated them about it. So they won’t be taken by surprised when it hits them and you feel like you are losing it when you don’t know what the hell is going on.

When it comes to not educating me from people that should know better, like doctors, I hold grudges. Hell, both hubby & I still pissed 25yrs later that I got pregnant a year after having a tubal ligation…..we did everything right not to have kids and that happened.

I don’t think the doctor did it correctly or securely since I was 24 at the time. But you sign a form stating that it is not guaranteed. But we still get mad when we think about it.

Hubby got fixed that fall…..and I went back on the pill for the next 15yrs because I trust nothing after that. Which I was trying to get off of when I went under…..ggrrr

https://www.rawstory.com/in-the-us-menopause-finally-gets-its-due/?fbclid=IwAR0MhA4j8iWiGkHArRcShkJ1ftjCLrP0oR4Y6xDABOy-GPOUQnJmE6J_I8k

Midwest & Red States

Texting with mom other day. Dawned on me that I’ve never fully explained why I can’t stand Indiana and other midwest red states like them. If it wasn’t for family there, I would never return.

I grew up on Army Posts…..I was use to growing up in a multicultural mix. My grade school years, living on APG, MD, being white, I was the minority in our housing and in school. We had Latinos…Cuban, Mexican, Puerto Rican…..we had Asians….Korean, Vietnamese….but mostly I grew up with African-Americans.

Like most military families, you create your own family with the military. My aunts & uncles were black…we were in military life together.

I knew that racism existed, I was reminded it of it when we visited family in Indiana and my grandfather would use the n-word and other horrible terms for anyone not white or christian. Everything that my parents taught me never to use.

But growing up in Maryland, I didn’t feel it that bluntly.  

I always thought it was the innocent of youth, but the more I reflect back on it, it was probably more of my white privilege not to see the racism that was existing…..the existing tensions. Even though my best friends were people of color…..even though rumors of the KKK activity scared us.

Moved to Alaska my middle school years, with a 1-2 months in Indiana in between, as my dad went on ahead to get housing ready for us to join him at Ft Wainwright.  

Not as culturally mixed as Maryland, but still not all white…..you still had a multicultural. I think, for us, it may have been more to do with rank. Housing it divided by rank and dad had become a NCO, a Master Sgt….when he was lower enlisted our housing was more multicultural. Even though I started to feel more of the differences/division between the races, even though my best friend was black.  

She would tell me of horror stories of living in Texas, how she couldn’t cross the tracks to the other side of town because she was black. I had such a hard time comprehending it.

One set of my grandparents had come up to Alaska, it was one of the few states that they hadn’t been to. During that time, for the first time in years, I was exposed to my grandfather’s racism. I loved my grandfather, but hated that about him. I finally wasn’t scare of him (he had a horrible temper and it use to scare me), and he said the n-word one too many times. And I went off on him about it (my best friend had just left, when he used that term), I was so mad. I don’t remember exactly what I said, but let him know in no certain terms that saying that word around me was not acceptable.  

What I really took away from that day, is that my parents backed me up and said that I was not raised to use that word or find it acceptable. I rarely heard that word in my presence from him after that.

Then we ended up in Indiana. I fully understand why we ended there…..even though I didn’t want to be there.  

Both set of grandfathers had strokes, my uncle was dying of AIDs and was going to move back to Indiana so we can take care of him. One set of grandparents were about to lose everything before they can get any help. You do what you have do for family, and with dad retiring from the Army, it is what we were going to do….we were in the best position to help. But I did not want to be in that state.

The 1-2 months of being at that Jr HS between moves from MD to AK convinced me that I didn’t want to be there. It was all white and no orchestra.

It was huge shock to my system when I was 15 when we moved there. I’ve never seen so many white people in my life in one place. And the town was only 20miles south of Gary, where my dad had been born, but it was another world….a very racist world.


Kids in that school used the n-word freely, teachers didn’t do damn thing about it. I learned more racist terms in that school then anywhere else. I never knew there was so many racist terms.  

Some guys in english class, used the n-word more times then I was able to handle and I exploded. The door to the class was open, so down the hall, people heard me tell them that I’ve known more blacks then whites, have gotten stabbed in the back by whites more then blacks, and I’ve meet more n-word people in this class then I ever did living with black people.  

The class was shocked into quiet, the teacher just looked at me and smiled and people learned quickly not use those terms around me unless they wanted to be punched….which I did as hard as I could.

Due to all that, I’ve never felt comfortable being with all whites. I like it where I go shopping that there is a mix of different people….different languages…. Latinos, blacks, muslims….I feel more at home

**The more I think about it, the more I think it is because when with all white groups, there is going to be a few racists who then assume that you believe the same way and feel free to say the most racist shit……ggrrrr

When I went to college, the majority of my history and political science classes were women studies and African-American studies….I had to expand my mind, get away from the narrow mindness that is the midwest.

My folks believe in god, more spiritual…church wasn’t a focus. Dad is a recovering catholic, when I asked him why we weren’t raised catholic (all of my cousins were), he stated because they rule on guilt and control, they don’t celebrate their beliefs.  

Mom used to read the Xmas store on Xmas eve. When visiting our grandparents, I went to lutheran services with one grandmother and catholic services with the other. I would take the “bible bus” that picked up kids in MD to go to church….looking back, I dogged a big bullet…it was pentecostal. 

So I was christian….but not a regular church goer. I would’ve become atheist regardless…..but Indiana pushed me quicker then it would’ve came to me.

Living in Indiana, also taught me, how hateful “christians” are. They couldn’t be good “christians” until they “judge” you and find you lacking. They believed that gays deserved to die of AIDs…..I’ve never meet such a hateful group of people.  


This is the late 80s/90s when AIDs was exploding to the forefront.

They hated people that thought differently, expressed individuality, who dared to be different……a girl/woman who demanded control of their own bodies….who didn’t believe in their bigotry/racism.

With what I dealt with in Indiana…..you can see why I’m still surprised I married a white guy from Indiana…lol  But what really got us together was that we shared same beliefs on racism, sexism and religion

My folks, my not have always understood or agreed with my sister and my decisions, but they have always accepted and loved us. What I was taught that being christian was suppose to be……not what I saw in the midwest.

I know that this just doesn’t exist in the midwest, but when I see the fascist laws they are passing, there is no way I would ever move to a place where I can’t be myself. Living there for 15yrs was more then enough for me.